Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Sure, we'll go with that

Well, I suppose at the end of the day at least I tried. Yeah, I know the truth. I know what he did to me. Sure, what can I expect? His friends are gunna stand by him... till he starts talking crap and does something to them too.
Here's the thing though, they can think I'm crazy, twist it, flip the story, try to hide everything, to save their asses, but they werent there. They dont know know what he did to me. They cant still feel his hands on their body, his disgusting hands groping around... they cant hear him breathing heavy, close to tears, begging... They cant still feel his mouth smashing into their face... I wont ever forget the look on his face while I tried to push him away from my chest. I wont forget what it felt like struggling to push him back again.
Whether someone believes me, or calls me a lying bitch, rediculous, whatever they wanna think, I still wont forget what he did... what he COULD HAVE done if it went further. I still wont stop worrying that maybe he'll do it again cuz yeah he's "never treated a woman badly" so to speak. It's easy to think that he's an amazing guy when you know his public face so well, but its the ones you least suspect that get away with the most.
No, it's not ok what happened. Theres still times when I feel sick about it... Im still having a difficult time with trust and depression. I still dont understand how or why it got to this point.
What I dont get even more, maybe what hurts me most is that I can scream at the top of my lungs about it and hes still getting away with it even after admitting what hed done. How is that ok? How do we live in such a twisted, messedup world?
Perhaps someday the healing will come and I'll at least not have to think about what he did so much

The saddest thing of all, after the breakup, I really did want things to be ok and the group to be somehow normal. I wish none of this ever happened.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Twitterpated

Sometimes, I ask myself if you're real. I love to watch you work, listen to you talk about the things you're passionate about. That's just it though, I still don't know what you think of me. Why do you have to go away? Why can't it be easier? Why can't I see you more? Why can't I talk to you more? Why do I worry so much? Why do I keep overthinking EVERY. LITTLE. THING. Perhaps its just that strange place in between friends... I mean, I still don't understand what you're doing.

I'm not usually this insecure, geez what the hell? Maybe I should just stop caring y'know? Theres those little things that you do though, then I feel like an idiot. :/ Twitterpated? I try not to, really. Then I'm the one babbling on about everything, asking all these stupid questions, and you're there, calm, controlled, IN control.

That's it, control. See you're not stupid, you know control. You know how to get your way. Would you even care anymore though? Should I keep waiting for a slot in your schedule? For you to pencil me in so I can fit into YOUR world? Do I get any time? Do I ever get to talk to you more than just a few words at a time? Is letting myself get attached gunna be worth getting forgotten?

Time can be my best friend and perhaps my worst enemy at this point.

Patience.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Rough Week

So, I had a friend awhile back, she liked to tell stories. For awhile I sympathized, I thought she really had a hard time in life. She was a single mother, had some serious setbacks in life (legitimately)  The I started to realize that something was a bit... off. The times I would be there for her weren't quite reciprocated, in fact when I would be waiting alot of times for her something would come up, or Id get strange calls from her with bizarre emergency situations. Now it wouldnt get to me so much until it started effecting those around me, even my boyfriend at the time told me I needed her out of the picture.
You would think I would have the sense enough to be done...

A few months previous a close friend of mine had been having some personal struggles and without explanation disappeared from the friend group. When she finally contacted me I found the other friend had made it seem that she had no idea why I stopped talking to her among other stories. We ended our only visit since the disappearance in her telling me that I was wrong and I needed to apologize, etc.

Now her I am 4 months later in the same place I was before I got her out of my life. She got in a situation again with one of my closest friends. She spun it up into thinking that he was coming onto her (he wasnt) and tried to get me mad at him (I almost fell for it) since I spent time with him over the holiday. (When she already turned my offer down first)

Why am I venting here? Because Im tired of drama, Im SO TIRED OF IT. Ive been crying for almost 3 days now about this.
I feel like I keep beating my head in a wall about this. I tried again, I was shamed the first time for "being mean" to her, and I just KEEP TRYING and here I am. How does she keep getting away with it and Im left holding the bag? How did my ex get away with assaulting me and these people are still covering for him like its all ok and he can go about his business when he went home immediately and TOLD his brother what he did?
Here I am again, standing here like an idiot.
Over and over again while everyone else gets away with things and I take more hits.

No, I dont want to talk to a person about it, cuz who really cares? Maybe I can talk to wyatt, yeah. Shay, yeah. But theres only so much you could say before it just sounds like a garbled mess of drama and its hard to understand how truly and deeply wounded you are by something. I could talk to my therapist but he's PAID to listen and ask questions. He doesnt know me. The guy I like, Im still trying to figure out if he REALLY likes me or if I just amuse him when I conveniently fit into his ever growing and overly busy schedule. Im just really being patient at this point

So that leaves me here, typing to strangers.

Apologies to whomever you are reading this. I'll end the rant now, perhaps some sleep will do me good.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Past

Masochism

2017

Well, so far 2017 has been good, all 3 days of it X) haha

I had a really good time yesterday, I'll be interested to see what happens with that. I felt really bad before cuz he asked me to go get coffee and I kind of blew him off when I first met him. Hes not my usual type, then again the others all went to shit so maybe its time for a change of pace. No pressure though, just seeing where things go. It's nice

In other news, I've gotten in with the ABQ Jedi crew also doing sabers on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Sabers is part of their thing where they basically beat the crap out of each other with combat ready lightsabers. Its generally amusing, thisll be my second week. I'm taking Kerri with me on Saturday,  AJ, and her daughter. Hey, the more, the merrier eh?
I got to spend the holidays with Aunt Sandy in town and hang out with Khalil at a cosplay thing for New Years. Overall, Id say it was a good end to the season and year. :)

I hope things continue to look up, at least for a little while. Im feelin pretty good about life and where things are at right now.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Complicated

Im ready to move on from this and 2016 to be over. Done with this year

Bring on 2017 and whatever comes next. 4 days, so ready